Just over a year ago, noted historic downtown renovator Ed Verner was arrested and charged with criminal mischief for releasing a live Rooster in a City official’s office.
“I shook up the bag real good before I turned him loose, and I hope it took him all damned day to catch that crappin’ bastard,” Verner was quoted as saying in the court transcripts a few days later. Apparently, the City Attorney was pushing to have the charge raised from the misdemeanor level to a felony offense, but when the ghost of Judge Bruton made an appearance during the City Police Department’s initial interrogation of Verner, a plea deal was quickly negotiated.
In the characteristic style some still remember about the Judge, the apparition of the Homburg hat wearing, cigar smoking, dapper gent took command of the room with a dazzling display of theatrics, verve, and several genuine puffs of cigar smoke that everyone present could clearly smell.
Still, even while representing Verner, Bruton couldn’t help himself in chastising his client. “Now this here is a clear cut case of temporary SANITY on the part of Mr. Verner who was certainly provoked more times than any man can be expected to take. Still, come now Mr. Verner, you should know better than to let some former hardware store retail clerk wearing a shiny new badge as a city inspector reduce you to such behavior. With over 30 years and 100,000 square feet of renovation in our fine town’s downtown district behind you, surely you should have known you were just dealing with good old fashioned bureaucratic incompetence and that someone promoted beyond their ability was really to blame. Those guys make the rules to foist on you, not so that they have to follow them. And of course, after his making such a colossal blunder, most any such cretin would have to attempt to re-write history and find a scapegoat, why that’s just the game, son. And you know that.”
At this point Chief Audubon Puffsalot, a long silent last holdout of the pioneer Thonotosassa tribe, appeared carrying the rooster. He wished to be heard.
“I caught the damned chicken, man he was riled up and there’s a spray of chicken crap on every spec of that office. Hey Judge, it’s been a while but it is nice to see you again sir. Have you been to the new Wawa? – Well, anyway as to Mr. Verner and what he did, I think you’ve got this whole thing backwards. The real crime here was the mistreatment of the chicken. To put a fine rooster worthy of fightin’ or eatin’ and instead turn him loose in a place like City Hall and especially into the presence of this ‘there’s a new sheriff in town’ Cuckoo bird is just downright cruel to the animal. If Verner wanted to go nuts, he should have just pulled the bastard out back and scalped him honorable like instead of draggin’ some poor bird into the deal.”
“A good point,” Bruton said nodding and rubbing his chin. “Still, I think we can all agree that this matter needs to stay local and get settled right here and now.”
The City Attorney tried to address the matter, still wanting to escalate the charge, but Bruton banged a gavel on a nearby table saying, “Boy don’t interrupt me again or I’ll hold you in contempt AND I’ll start makin’ appearances in YOUR office, AND I’ll get your mother involved, do you understand me?” The Judge took a big puff and blew a cigar ring towards him, and there was no reply.
Though sealed with a 12-month gag order that day, the recently released records indicate that Judge Bruton demanded Verner to plea to speeding 5 mph over the limit on Bruton Rd., and to pay a fine of one penny to his favorite charity.
What happened to the rooster after Chief Audubon Puffsalot left with him that day remains unknown, with the last security camera image showing him heading southwest after crossing Reynolds St.
GOTCHA!!
This year we decided to bring back an old tradition to run an April Fools’ Day story to trick our readers. We hope you enjoyed our little prank.
